Discussion:
Aik Ghazal aap ki islaaH kii darKHwaast ke saath
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Anis Khan
2022-03-24 02:24:13 UTC
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Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).

milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar

kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar

vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar

bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar

samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar

~Anis
Zoya
2022-03-24 09:58:06 UTC
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Post by Anis Khan
Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Anis sahib, aadaab,

I don't consider myself an expert, but you have my attention nonetheless. :)
Post by Anis Khan
Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).
I really liked this ghazal, is meN bahut ravaani hai. daad qubuul kiijiye.
Let me document a few spontaneous thoughts before I lose them.
Post by Anis Khan
milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
In the opening misraa, I think you should change 'mera' also to 'milaa', yeh takraar meri raaye meN behtar sunaaii degii. If you do want to stay with 'mera', it should be written 'miraa' in Roman, to preserve the correct vazn.
Post by Anis Khan
kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
The above two asha'ar are really good. My compliments.
Post by Anis Khan
bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
I would change har --> sab, considering that you are using it with the plural 'balaaoN'.
Post by Anis Khan
samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
Since you used 'bachaa letaa' in the she'r immediately preceding this one, I would not repeat it here, we have to think of some alternate words.

Also, ek --> ik, for vazn reasons again.
Post by Anis Khan
~Anis
This is my two cents, let us see what ustaad Irfan sahib has to say.
I wish Prof RK would give his expert advice too, I am merely his TA. Raj uncle, I miss you, please come back soon.

________Zoya
Zoya
2022-03-24 12:58:59 UTC
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Follow up:

On second thoughts, the 'miraa' in the opening misraa may be replaced by 'chalaa' or something like that.
Anis Khan
2022-03-24 15:41:51 UTC
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Post by Zoya
Post by Anis Khan
Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Anis sahib, aadaab,
I don't consider myself an expert, but you have my attention nonetheless. :)
Bahut shukriya Zoya sahiba aap ki islaaH aur attention ka.
Post by Zoya
I really liked this ghazal, is meN bahut ravaani hai. daad qubuul kiijiye.
shukriya!
Post by Zoya
Let me document a few spontaneous thoughts before I lose them.
Post by Anis Khan
milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
In the opening misraa, I think you should change 'mera' also to 'milaa', yeh takraar meri raaye meN behtar sunaaii degii. If you do want to stay with 'mera', it should be written 'miraa' in Roman, to preserve the correct vazn.
Thanks. I was considering 'miraa', 'chala' (as you have also suggested and I like it) and 'rahaa' (milaa and then stayed) but it seems 'chala' may work best!
Post by Zoya
Post by Anis Khan
kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
The above two asha'ar are really good. My compliments.
shukriya!
Post by Zoya
Post by Anis Khan
bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
I would change har --> sab, considering that you are using it with the plural 'balaaoN'.
Will do.
Post by Zoya
Post by Anis Khan
samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
Since you used 'bachaa letaa' in the she'r immediately preceding this one, I would not repeat it here, we have to think of some alternate words.
Potentially '...se tum bacha lo...' can be changed to '...meiN tum sambhaalo...' but need to think more and also wait for additional advice and then change.
Post by Zoya
This is my two cents, let us see what ustaad Irfan sahib has to say.
I wish Prof RK would give his expert advice too, I am merely his TA. Raj uncle, I miss you, please come back soon.
________Zoya
Much appreciated,
~Anis
Irfan Abid
2022-03-27 17:33:16 UTC
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Post by Anis Khan
Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).
Anis sb, aadaab!

I know you are expecting "experts" to comment on your Ghazal, but I hope you wouldn't mind a word from a student. The first thing I want to say is you should start making the title of your threads a little more specific, such as 'Ghazal: milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar.' This will make it easy for you and others to locate a particular thread.
Post by Anis Khan
milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
Nice one. As Zoya sahiba said, 'meraa' doesn't sound good. Please replace it with something else. Also, since you are only talking about one yaar, the plural 'nemateN' sounds a little odd. Please see if you can use singular 'nemat' such 'ye ne'mat hai Khudaa kii, yaar aayaa...'
Post by Anis Khan
kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
Good. Not sure what you were thinking, but I don't see the need for any commas in this she'r.
Post by Anis Khan
vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
Nice one. Again, no need for any commas here.
Post by Anis Khan
bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
Zoya sahiba has already pointed out that 'har' should be 'sab.' I want to draw your attention to the verbs 'bachaa letaa hai' and 'aayaa.' The construction of the she'r demands that the tense of both the verbs be the same (past or present.) This will be clear if you write the she'r in prose. I suggest you say the first misra something like 'bachaayaa yaar ne mere mujhe saarii balaaoN se.' And again, no commas, please.
Post by Anis Khan
samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
There are a couple issues with this she'r. Although there is no big harm in using 'samay' here, this word stands out as it's the only chaste Hindi word in the Ghazal. It would be nice to use 'vaqt' instead. Also, it's not clear as to which particular 'chiraaGh' are referred to by 'in chiraaGhoN?' Finally, you have used 'naa' (noon, alif) where 'na' (noon, chhoTi he) is needed. To further illustrate these points, please allow me to reconstruct the she'r like this:

bachaa lo vaqt kii aaNdhii se ulfat ke chiraaGhoN ko
na rah jaaye hamaarii dostii ik daastaaN ban kar
Post by Anis Khan
~Anis
Hope this helps. Please keep writing and sharing.

Sincerely,
Irfan :Abid:
Anis Khan
2022-03-28 20:01:44 UTC
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Post by Irfan Abid
Post by Anis Khan
Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).
Anis sb, aadaab!
I know you are expecting "experts" to comment on your Ghazal, but I hope you wouldn't mind a word from a student. The first thing I want to say is you should start making the title of your threads a little more specific, such as 'Ghazal: milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar.' This will make it easy for you and others to locate a particular thread.
Irfan sb, aadaab,

Many thanks for your thoughtful review and comments which I will try to incorporate and remember for other posts as well.
Post by Irfan Abid
Post by Anis Khan
milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
Nice one. As Zoya sahiba said, 'meraa' doesn't sound good. Please replace it with something else. Also, since you are only talking about one yaar, the plural 'nemateN' sounds a little odd. Please see if you can use singular 'nemat' such 'ye ne'mat hai Khudaa kii, yaar aayaa...'
Post by Anis Khan
kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
Good. Not sure what you were thinking, but I don't see the need for any commas in this she'r.
Post by Anis Khan
vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
Nice one. Again, no need for any commas here.
Post by Anis Khan
bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
Zoya sahiba has already pointed out that 'har' should be 'sab.' I want to draw your attention to the verbs 'bachaa letaa hai' and 'aayaa.' The construction of the she'r demands that the tense of both the verbs be the same (past or present.) This will be clear if you write the she'r in prose. I suggest you say the first misra something like 'bachaayaa yaar ne mere mujhe saarii balaaoN se.' And again, no commas, please.
Post by Anis Khan
samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
bachaa lo vaqt kii aaNdhii se ulfat ke chiraaGhoN ko
na rah jaaye hamaarii dostii ik daastaaN ban kar
Nice alternative suggestion - I like it. I need to work on spending more time on thinking and constructing properly rather than sloppily go for a quicker but not the most appropriate choice (needed a short-long syllable so went with samay rather than more appropriate vaqt which would have been a long-short syllable requiring reconstruction).
Post by Irfan Abid
Post by Anis Khan
~Anis
Hope this helps. Please keep writing and sharing.
Indeed it helps immensely and I am grateful for your thoughts.
Post by Irfan Abid
Sincerely,
Best,
Anis

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