A thought........ ... A she'r

[Zoya]

Recently, while on my usual brisk morning walk on the trail loop under old oak trees on both sides, a thought suddenly came to my mind, and immediately morphed into a she'r. Sharing both.

A thought:

I miss you. I miss 'us'.

A she'r:

tum nahiiN ho to ab voh maiN bhi nahiiN
voh jo maiN thii, tumhaare saath gayii!

________Zoya

[Raj Kumar]

Post by Zoya
Recently, while on my usual brisk morning walk on the trail loop under old oak trees on both sides, a thought suddenly came to my mind, and immediately morphed into a she'r. Sharing both.
I miss you. I miss 'us'.
tum nahiiN ho to ab voh maiN bhi nahiiN
voh jo maiN thii, tumhaare saath gayii!
________Zoya

***ZS, aap ka Khayaal bhi achchha hai aur aap ka she'r bhi. magar baat to tab bane jab aap ke haathoN, isi binaa par, aek Ghazal ho jaaye. aur Ghazal bhi aisi k radeef "gayii" ho aur qaafiya "saath" ---------- a truly 'taNg' qaafiya!

Khaaksaar ko aap ki is nayee taKhliiq ka intizaar rahe ga -------------------------- no ifs and buts, please!!

R.K.***

[Zoya]

Post by Raj Kumar
***ZS, aap ka Khayaal bhi achchha hai aur aap ka she'r bhi.

Thank you RK sahib. This thought felt so simple yet so powerful, 'us' did it for me.

magar baat to tab bane jab aap ke haathoN, isi binaa par, aek Ghazal ho jaaye. aur Ghazal bhi aisi k radeef "gayii" ho aur qaafiya "saath" ---------- a truly 'taNg' qaafiya!

puuri ghazal? aap kaa hukm sar aaNkhoN par, maiN koshish karuuN gi, but first I'll have to put myself in that frame of mind again when inspiration strikes and the flow is natural. Let us hope I can expand on this thought.

'radiif' should not be an issue at all. And I don't think the 'qaafiya' is that 'taNg'. Here is where I am coming from: I can immediately recall some famous ghazals by some famous poets where 'haath', 'saath' have been used as qavaafi along with 'raat', 'baat' etc. In other words, the weightless 'he' at the end has been ignored. Will you allow me that? If yes, then easy peasy. If not, then why not, in that case my job will be much harder.

Post by Raj Kumar
Khaaksaar ko aap ki is nayee taKhliiq ka intizaar rahe ga -------------------------- no ifs and buts, please!!
R.K.***

No ifs and buts Prof RK. However, I will wait for you to answer the qaafiya question I've asked above, and we'll go from there.

Thanks again. Your validation, encouragement and guidance always means a lot to me.

__________Zoya

[Raj Kumar]

Post by Raj Kumar
magar baat to tab bane jab aap ke haathoN, isi binaa par, aek Ghazal ho jaaye. aur Ghazal bhi aisi k radeef "gayii" ho aur qaafiya "saath" ---------- a truly 'taNg' qaafiya!
puuri ghazal? aap kaa hukm sar aaNkhoN par, maiN koshish karuuN gi, but first I'll have to put myself in that frame of mind again when inspiration strikes and the flow is natural. Let us hope I can expand on this thought.
'radiif' should not be an issue at all. And I don't think the 'qaafiya' is that 'taNg'. Here is where I am coming from: I can immediately recall some famous ghazals by some famous poets where 'haath', 'saath' have been used as qavaafi along with 'raat', 'baat' etc. In other words, the weightless 'he' at the end has been ignored. Will you allow me that? If yes, then easy peasy. If not, then why not, in that case my job will be much harder.

***qaafiya taaNg hai, ZS, agar aap "saath, "haath", "naath", "anaath", "Somnaath", vGh ke chakkar meN paRii raheN to. albatta, agar aap "saat(h)", haat(h)", vGh ki panaaah leN to kam mushkil nahiiN hai. chaliye to aap is aazaadi se faa'ida uThaaiye aur aek jaame' Ghazal kah Daaliye.

is aazaadi se aap vaaqif to haiN hi, taaham is zimn meN do-aek she'r likhe deta huuN:

1. junuuN ka le ke sahaaraa junuuN-sifaat chale
jo ghar ko aag lagaaye, hamaare saat(h) chale

2. maHruum jab voh gul huye raNg-e-Hayaat se
un ko jalaa ke Khaak kiyaa apne haat(h) se

B/W, duusra she'r Munshi Brij Narain Chakbast ki mash_huur nazm "Raamaayan ka aek scene" meN se hai.

R.K.***

[Zoya]

Post by Raj Kumar

Post by Raj Kumar
magar baat to tab bane jab aap ke haathoN, isi binaa par, aek Ghazal ho jaaye. aur Ghazal bhi aisi k radeef "gayii" ho aur qaafiya "saath" ---------- a truly 'taNg' qaafiya!
I don't think the 'qaafiya' is that 'taNg'. I can immediately recall some famous ghazals by some famous poets where 'haath', 'saath' have been used as qavaafi along with 'raat', 'baat' etc. In other words, the weightless 'he' at the end has been ignored. Will you allow me that?

***qaafiya taaNg hai, ZS, agar aap "saath, "haath", "naath", "anaath", "Somnaath", vGh ke chakkar meN paRii raheN to. albatta, agar aap "saat(h)", haat(h)", vGh ki panaaah leN to kam mushkil nahiiN hai. chaliye to aap is aazaadi se faa'ida uThaaiye aur aek jaame' Ghazal kah Daaliye.

RK Sahib, Thanks for validating the point I had raised regarding the freedom of qaafia here, this sure opens up all kinds of qavaafi. I'll be thinking about it subconsciously, and will write down if something worthwhile strikes me. Can't rush through the process, let us just wait and see what asha'ar I can come up with.

Oh and I was a bit concerned that you may not allow me the qaafia freedom, and had started thinking about what I could rhyme literally with 'saath'. Besides 'haath', the only other word I could think of was, lo and behold, 'naath'! I was actually getting worried how I may use it in a she'r. :-)

Post by Raj Kumar
1. junuuN ka le ke sahaaraa junuuN-sifaat chale
jo ghar ko aag lagaaye, hamaare saat(h) chale
2. maHruum jab voh gul huye raNg-e-Hayaat se
un ko jalaa ke Khaak kiyaa apne haat(h) se
B/W, duusra she'r Munshi Brij Narain Chakbast ki mash_huur nazm "Raamaayan ka aek scene" meN se hai.
R.K.***

Both of these asha'ar are new for me. Thanks.

Now let me share the asha'ar that had immediately come to my mind when thinking about the qaafia of my original she'r 'saath', and what it could possibly be coupled with.

First, a Qateel Shifai ghazal that I had heard in Munni Begam's voice in a live mehfil years ago. I absolutely love this ghazal:

haath diyaa us ne mire haath meN
maiN to valii ban gaya ik raat meN

And then this ghazal by JaaN Nisaar Akhtar:

sau chaaNd bhi chamkeN ge to kyaa baat bane gii
tum aaye to is raat ki auqaat bane gii

yeh ham se na hogaa k kisii ek ko chaaheN
ai ishq, hamaarii na tire saath bane gii!

I've always found the honesty in the above she'r particularly interesting. :)

Thanks, for everything,

_______Zoya

[B.G. M.]

Post by Raj Kumar

Post by Zoya
Recently, while on my usual brisk morning walk on the trail loop under old oak trees on both sides, a thought suddenly came to my mind, and immediately morphed into a she'r. Sharing both.
I miss you. I miss 'us'.
tum nahiiN ho to ab voh maiN bhi nahiiN
voh jo maiN thii, tumhaare saath gayii!
________Zoya

***ZS, aap ka Khayaal bhi achchha hai aur aap ka she'r bhi. magar baat to tab bane jab aap ke haathoN, isi binaa par, aek Ghazal ho jaaye. aur Ghazal bhi aisi k radeef "gayii" ho aur qaafiya "saath" ---------- a truly 'taNg' qaafiya!
Khaaksaar ko aap ki is nayee taKhliiq ka intizaar rahe ga -------------------------- no ifs and buts, please!!
R.K.***

“….. Khaaksaar ko aap ki is nayee taKhliiq kaa intizaar rahe gaa “

Aur hameN bhi!
~B.G.M
================================================

[Zoya]

Post by B.G. M.
“….. Khaaksaar ko aap ki is nayee taKhliiq kaa intizaar rahe gaa “
Aur hameN bhi!
~B.G.M
================================================

BGM sahib,

pehle aap mere she'r kii ta'riif kiijiye, apne trademark "waah" style meN, phir aap kii vote count ho gii. :-))

________Zoya

[Dinesh Shenoy]

Post by Zoya
tum nahiiN ho to ab voh maiN bhi nahiiN
voh jo maiN thii, tumhaare saath gayii!
________Zoya

Zoya sahiba,

BEAUTIFUL ... thought and the construct. It reminds me of Parveen Shakir! Like RK sahib said, whenever inspiration strikes, please add a few more ashaar and post a complete GHazal ...

Dinesh

[Zoya]

Post by Dinesh Shenoy
Zoya sahiba,

Dinesh sahib,

Post by Dinesh Shenoy
BEAUTIFUL ... thought and the construct. It reminds me of Parveen Shakir!

You are so generous my friend. My she'r reminded you of The Parveen Shakir?! Wow!! What more can I ask for, this is the best compliment anyone can give me. Thank you, thank you, Dinesh sahib. :-)

Like RK sahib said, whenever inspiration strikes, please add a few more ashaar and post a complete GHazal ...

I will try. Let us see what RK sahib says about the qaafia restriction, or maybe I should say qaafia freedom in this case. If the likes of Qateel Shifai and JaaN Nisaar Akhtar can get away with it, perhaps Prof RK will allow me the freedom. Otherwise, I may be able to write just a qita, not a complete ghazal, unless I repeat the same couple of qavaafi. Now that's a thought, I could do that and turn this she'r into a nazm! Hmmmm...... :)

Post by Dinesh Shenoy
Dinesh

Dinesh sahib, please visit the group more often, it is a joy to talk to you.

_________Zoya